As I’m writing this it’s 2:26am. I’ve been lying in bed since just before 10pm and sleep has eluded me once again. I had around 3 hours sleep last night. I’m meant to be getting up in under 5 hours for work.
Life has been a bit of a shit storm in 2017 which you can read about in a previous post somewhere on my blog. It feels like there have been more downs than ups. It’s hit me hard. I’m struggling to focus on anything, my depression has got infinitely worse and my anxiety is through the roof.
It’s a classic combination. Depression exhausts me physically and mentally which makes my anxiety worse. My anxiety then makes me too anxious to sleep and so I get more tired and my depression gets worse. My insomnia has reached a point where I can’t sleep at any time of the day.
Usually if I’m a bit knackered I can nap any time any where. Recently, even if I’m in my comfy beanbag with a duvet on listening to asmr keyboard sounds I can’t nap for shit. At night in bed I’m constantly tossing, turning and thinking. And that’s the problem. I can’t stop thinking. My brain is on overdrive at the moment and it’s absolutely crushing me. I’m sure there’ll be people telling me I should switch off my phone, stop writing this post and just get away from the screen but I did that for hours to no avail.
Insomnia for me is one of those things where I know the causes but even when I put things in place to prevent them or solve them it just doesn’t seem to work. I’ve even exhausted myself to the point I’ve cancelled all of my social plans this week.
One of the things that worries me the most is my job. They’re supportive for sure. But in my head all I’m thinking is that they’re going to be angry at me for not coming in, that they’re talking about me behind my back when I’m not in and that I’m taking the mick. I’m constantly worrying about the people I may be letting down and the things I feel like I should be doing.
But what should I be doing? Part of my brain tells me “stop. Rest. Recover”. The other, louder part of my brain just keeps telling me “ohhhhh man. You done fucked up this time. Work is going to crucify you. They’re going to be so mad. You better get your shit together. Also you suck at life.”
I have to constantly remind myself it’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to be ill. It’s okay to feel like shit and to be completely and utterly broken. One day, some time soon (hopefully), I’ll be strong enough, well enough to fix myself. And for those of you going through the same things, you will be too.
So it’s been a while again. This job hunting thing is taking up a fair bit of time.
But anyway, this is another short update on the blog, the YouTube channel and social.
The blog is still going to be getting updated and soon it’s going to be more regularly and more consistently! Same with the YouTube channel. I’m in the middle of editing episode 2 of the Invisible Illness Human Library. You should have a look at episode 1 if you haven’t done so already. Things are changing quite a bit though. Every month we’re going to be posting about a specific topic. Those topics aren’t ready to be revealed yet but there’s some really cool stuff coming!
Regarding YouTube, a wonderful wonderful update is that I’m not alone any more! A friend of mine Lily, pictured below, is going to be creating a video for us. If you guys watch and love her stuff she might even agree to make more for us! Lily is a cracking film maker and she’s an alright person too, I guess.
Welcome to the crew, Lily!
Regarding social media, Twitter and Facebook will be going up in June-ish. You’ll be able to follow us and like us soon so keep your eyes peeled for an announcement! This is all really exciting and I can’t wait to share the new and improved Success In Selflessness with you all!
The time has finally come! I’ve finally uploaded episode one of the Invisible Illness Human Library. This first episode is about my best friend and the illnesses that she suffers with. Please have a watch and let us know what you think. Tell us what you’ve learned, what you’d like to know more about and what you’d like us to do for the next few! Episode 2 is currently being edited so expect that in the next week or two! 🙂 So please, watch, like, comment, subscribe and most importantly, SHARE. This whole project is all about raising awareness of invisible illnesses and helping people understand what they are!
If you’d like to find out more about any of the illnesses that Kate talked about in the video or you’d like to support her amazing project, please check out the links below.
I’m currently sat on a train back from Newcastle feeling a little sleepy but strangely energised and mentally prepared for life back in London. I’ve been staying with a few people over the last four/five day and have loved every second with my Northern family.
This trip was a much needed and long overdue break from the big city but also a chance for me to finally make some progress on my Invisible Illness Human Library. Episode one is all recorded and ready to be edited together. The first episode will feature my best friend who has so many invisible illnesses, she’s basically an encyclopedia of ailments. But she speaks with such grace and rawness that it was hard for me to even film. She’s a brilliant shining light in a world that can sometimes seem very dark and I’m proud to know her. You can check out some of the amazing work she’s doing by checking out www.projectparentgb.com. So episode 1 will be coming out in the next week or so and I’m so excited to share it with you all. I really want to help raise awareness of illnesses that aren’t particularly easy to spot. I’d love your help to do that.
I’m also finally going to set up a SiS Twitter account and maybe even a Facebook page. I’m currently looking for writers, people to help with social media and people to support with making videos. I want SiS to be a place where we can write, share and openly discuss all kinds of issues. Of course, the things that I’ve always loved writing about are kindness and mental health, but I’m keen to discuss topics such as politics, race, religion, gender and lots of other things too. If you think you’re up for writing with me, filming with me or sharing with me, please get in touch via the contact us page.
This is a short update but one that I’ve been itching to post ever since I announced the Invisible Illness Human Library a few months ago so I’m really glad I can finally announce the first episode. Keep an eye out here for more information! 🙂
First things first, a really important update. Work on the Invisible Illness Human Library has officially got underway! I’ve started meeting with people who are interested in getting involved and have contacted my first potential venue. It’s not a massive start but it’s a start. It’s super exciting to be dipping my toes back into running events!
I’m currently also trying to recruit a little team to work with me on this project. First and foremost, the people with the stories!
For anyone who wants to be one of our “books” the main things we’re exploring about your stories are:
– Highs and lows
– Organisations that have supported you
– Tips for people to support others with an invisible illness.
We’re looking for each person’s story to last between 5 and 10 minutes.
We’ll be doing a physical event (the human library bit) but I would also love to record your stories and upload them so that we can show that it’s okay to talk about invisible illnesses.
Next up, a little life update. It’s been a really tough couple of weeks recently. I’ve found myself feeling physically and mentally exhausted. Luckily, I’ve had lots of people very kindly making sure that I don’t lock myself away and wallow in my own mad mind! I also received the nicest, most thoughtful gift of all time. I was taken to see Eliza and the Bear which was absolutely amazing and then I was given an incredible, heartfelt card and this beautiful wooden Success in Selflessness guitar pick. It’s really hard to stress how important it is to have amazing friends around you. Try your best not to shut yourself away, even if you’re feeling extremely anxious or your depression is hitting hard. Even send a text to say hi to someone. It will help. I promise.
So the eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that I didn’t post anything for my usual Thursday post but there was good a reason for that! Well actually there wasn’t. I could totally have written a post but I wanted to get this all done and dusted first. 🙂
I’m launching a brand new project! It’s (as I’m sure you’ve guessed) The Invisible Illness Human Library and I’m super excited to see how it all goes. I’ll let my video below do a little more explaining. Take it away, me!
If you’d like to get involved, get in touch via the contact page or tweet me @albysaurus! 🙂