The Many Moods Of Alex: Decisions Decisions Decisions!

So I was off work for two weeks and had an amazing time. I forgot about everything work related and got to work on my own projects, got to go visit people I love and forget about impending unemployment and the stresses of money, bills and more.

Monday, I went back to work and was in a surprisingly good mood! I was excited to see the team at work and many laughs were had. I also went out for drinks with a few people (I know, Monday drinks? You mad, Alex. You mad.) which was really good fun.

Tuesday I went to a day of training about how to be a coach with an amazing charity called Yes Futures in preparation to work with a local school and a group of students. I had an amazing day (despite being a little worse for wear post pub. I also stayed up a little later to work on a video which didn’t help…) and was genuinely excited to meet a new group of people who are so excited to help some students get to where they want to be in life.

So all in all, it’s been pretty fucking great recently.

However, today was a very different story. I’ve been so busy and over excited over the last few weeks that I’ve begun to dip a little. Sleep has become erratic and I wake up multiple times a night. So I woke up today barely able to move and my mood was absolute garbage. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been significantly worse, but I was no where near at my best today.

It hit me that one thing that has been playing on my mind is that come June, I’m going to be out of a job. I’m being made redundant and I’m 100% okay with that. I turned down an opportunity to stay here so that I could go and try something new after spending 3+ years here so I’m really excited to find something new.

The things that are playing on my mind are:

  1. I haven’t been offered a job yet.
  2. I haven’t found any job that I’m particularly interested in.
  3. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life.
  4. Did I make the right decision to turn down that job at my current place?

Number 4 is particularly on my mind today. Did I do the right thing to turn down a job with decent pay where I knew what I was doing? If I was following my head, I would say “Nope. I fucked up.”. The team is amazing, the job is easy and the money is good. But my heart isn’t in it anymore. My head is logical. It knows I have bills to pay, trips to make and people that depend on me.

And my heart tells me “Oooh I’m not sure. All those young people could still do with your help but if you’re not sure, maybe it was the right choice? Or not. Who knows.” This indecisiveness is a pretty normal thing for me and always tries to reason things and list the pros and cons. My heart wants to do what’s best for the “greater good” even if it means I suffer because of it.

My gut is the part of me that I listen to most. When I heard that I was at risk of redundancy, my gut told me it was a perfect time to go. The programme I work on is changing and that means it’s a great time for someone new to come in and put their fresh spin on it. It also means that I have an opportunity to push myself and learn a whole load of new things (like coaching). “Go for it, Alex. Take a chance on yourself. Believe in yourself enough to take a risk. It’s going to be great.”

Now, this time, I really believe that I’ve made the right choice. Whoever takes over from me will be amazing and I’m sure it’ll be a huge success. It’s a great chance for me to strike out, develop my own things (blogs, videos, music etc.). I have the chance now to apply for some amazing new jobs and/or do some freelance work (wedding singing is now on the cards). 10168008_256556724526509_1121366075_n

I will always doubt my decisions. Especially when it doesn’t make financial sense. Gotta make that money to survive right? But I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in the business of making a shit load of money. I’m in the joy business. I try my hardest to bring piles of smiles and tins of grins to everyone. One person I don’t do that for though, is myself. So just this once, I’m going to take a chance on my decision, believe it’ll work out and try to enjoy this new adventure.

Your head, heart and gut will always be at odds with each other. Try to believe in your gut more. My gut doesn’t do logic or emotions. My gut just focuses on the feeling at the time. My gut told me to go for it. I’m going to try my best to believe in that. I hope you do too!