Hard Times

Sorry for going AWOL the last month. It’s been a little bit of a stressful time!

In the last month or so I’ve been hit with two pretty tough pieces of news. The first was that a friend of mine passed away. He was the friendliest, most caring guy you could meet and although we hadn’t spoken in quite a while, I was absolutely devastated to hear about it all. He was from a volunteering programme I took part in a few years ago and he made such a huge impact on so many people. He was volunteering for my best friends project and was regularly reassuring her, supporting her and delivering care packages to parents who had children in hospitals.

Then last week, I found out that my gran has cancer. My gran is 83(ish) years old and has lived 5 doors away from me for as long as I remember. She would always look after me, my brother and my cousins when our parents were out working one of their many jobs when we were young and she has always been kind, loving and cheerful (unless she had to miss out on playing mahjong). Hearing her news and hearing that she’s ready to give up is really tough.

As a result, my social life has suffered, my work life is a little bit mad and my mental health has plummeted pretty drastically. My usual techniques of music, video games, video making and comic books just aren’t cutting it and I’m finding that I’m beginning to struggle to do basic tasks. Sleep has been eluding me for the last few weeks and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I’m constantly feeling guilty for not being able to do everything I usually do to the quality that I usually do it to.

I’m trying constantly to remind myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty and why should I? Okay so these things aren’t happening to me, but that doesn’t mean they don’t affect me greatly. People that I love and respect are going through some really hard times and that’s going to have an impact on me. Right now, it feels like life is a little bit shit and for me right now, it is. I’m going to try to not feel guilty about depression hitting hard at this point in my life because even someone without depression would feel like shit with all of this.

Bad news affects most people with depression more than it would healthy people. That’s just a given. And getting out of a depression slump is one of the hardest things to do but it is doable. With the help of my friends, my family I will get through this as I have done every single other breakdown and panic attack.

In the meantime though, I’m going to feel like shit and that’s okay.


Change: Overcoming Nerves

So as you may have read in my last blog, I’ve just started a new job after nearly 4 years at my last (wonderful) job. It’s a huge change for me. I’ve gone from being comfy, happy and confident in my job to uncomfortable, constantly nervous and doubting myself. It’s a pretty common thing, sure; but when you have anxiety through the roof and the natural lack of confidence that comes with depression it makes things even more difficult to manage.

Here are a few things that I’ve been doing to manage a time of lots of change.

1. Give Yourself A Break

In a new job, you’re obviously going to work as hard as you can and I definitely have been working as hard as I can to get to grips with everything. But change is tiring. I’ve been finding it hard to stay awake in the office and difficult to fall asleep . It’s warm, comfortable and quiet in the office. So to combat this fatigue and the nerves of passing out from exhaustion, I’m making sure that I’m having plenty of breaks. I’m making sure I take my full hour for lunch and as the weather is so nice, I’m going outside and sitting somewhere else, in the afternoon I pop out to the little garden and text some people and chill in the quiet for a few minutes. It might seem like a small thing but it’s exactly what I need to get through the day!

2. Don’t Beat Yourself Up About It

It’s so hard to go from something that you’re comfortable and confident in to something brand new where you know virtually nothing. You are naturally going to feel a bit shit about not being as quick, as knowledgeable or as productive as you’re used to. That’s okay. It literally happens to everyone who makes a big change. In my case, a new job, they expect this. They don’t expect you to know everything from day one. In other cases, new town, new country, new course, new school, other people will be feeling the same as you. Don’t get annoyed at yourself for not being 100% straight away. It takes time to become comfortable in a situation.

3. Do What You Love

So when you’re battling with increased insecurities throughout the day, often doing things you’re not used to or you don’t enjoy yet, it’s important to make sure that you do what you love. I’ve been coming home and doing some extra freelance work each night and then sitting down to play some video games, do some music or bingewatch some videos on YouTube. For me, that’s what I love to do with my evenings, but for you, it could be something else entirely. Gardening, art, calling a friend, dancing in your underwear. It doesn’t matter, you do you.

4. Celebrate The Little Things

So yeah, it’s not going the smoothest. Like I keep saying, change is hard. But there is always something great that happens in every day. Having my first call with a volunteer, surviving lunch with a new colleague without having a panic attack, not offending anyone with poor taste jokes. I’ve been trying to make sure that I appreciate all the little successes in each day. You need to make sure that you celebrate all the little successes too. Sometimes making it outside is tough enough, but if you’re in a new situation? It’s terrifying. But if you’ve managed to pop out to the shops, celebrate it. If you managed to sit for a coffee, celebrate it. If you managed to try something new, celebrate the fuck out of it!

So yeah, change is hard. But often change is also amazing and exciting. It is often the doorway into a fantastic new chapter in your life. So until you’re comfortable with the changes, try your best to keep afloat. Follow these four things and go get that life you want.


High Functioning Anxiety and Depression

So I recently made this video about high functioning anxiety and depression for a competition that I’m in (I’m currently taking part in the semi-finals, thanks for asking) and the brief said that it had to be 1 minute long. I already went over the minute by a bit and I barely scratched the surface of this topic.

High functioning anxiety and/or depression is where you’re still able to perform essential tasks like go to work, volunteer etc. It doesn’t mean, however, that those with high functioning anxiety and depression aren’t suffering very much. Sometimes being high functioning makes it even more difficult for people with mental illnesses. It means it’s harder for them to access help, it’s harder to spot when someone has issues.

I recently wrote a thing for work talking about signs that someone could be struggling with their mental health (again, tip of the iceberg, I know). You can read that here. These were things that I exhibited when I was struggling a lot at work.

So just because I’m able to go to work that doesn’t mean I’m well. So here are some things that people don’t/rarely see about me when my depression and anxiety is at it’s worst and often even regular every day things.

  • Hypersensitive emotions
  • Hypersensitive senses (particularly struggles with light)
  • Constant exhaustion
  • Insomnia
  • Panic attacks in large groups of people
  • Panic attacks when meeting new people
  • Panic attacks in regular every day situations like shopping
  • Constant fear of being judged
  • Overthinking to the point of burning out
  • Inability to focus
  • Lethargy throughout the day
  • Self harm through eating bad food and drinking obscene amounts
  • Drinking to be able to deal with social situations
  • Anxiety to the point where I can’t speak to my friends
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Constant self destructive thoughts
  • Constant self loathing
  • Huge mood swings
  • Days where I’m angry for no reason
  • Days where I’m sad for no reason
  • Days where I have severe mood swings multiple times
  • Inability to process information
  • Inability to form a coherent sentence

This is a pretty short list. I guess what I’m trying to get at (I’ve had only a few hours sleep) is that it’s not always obvious that someone is suffering. In the video below people talk about me as a jolly, happy, friendly guy and I love them all to pieces. However, I try my best not to show them my struggles and my difficulties just getting through a regular day. I don’t talk about how exhausting it is being a super happy, upbeat guy every day. I don’t mention the fact that that’s not what I’m like when I’m alone.

Other people with mental illnesses may be just like me. Putting a mask on every day just so that people don’t worry, so that we’re not a burden on anyone else. People with mental illnesses don’t choose to have them. They’ve been dealt a hand and they’re trying to get by with what they’ve been given.

Make a conscious effort to ask how someone is. Be the kind of person who checks in on someone just to see how they’re doing. Offer to support a person. Hell, even making them a cup of tea can sometimes be enough.

Be kind, be thoughtful and be understanding. Look after yourselves and look after each other.






Welcome To Mental Health Awareness Week

So today is the start of Mental Health Awareness Week (if you couldn’t have guessed by the title) and I thought it’d be a travesty not to write this week.

So I might not be able to commit to a post every day as I’ve not done a huge amount of planning but I want to write as much as I can. I’ll be uploading a post to the blog that we do at work so I’ll be linking to that at some point. This year’s theme is Surviving or Thriving? It’s a good theme and one that I often ponder.

I’ll try to discuss that theme later on in the week but today I’m here to talk a bit about one of the worst parts of depression and anxiety (in my opinion).

The feeling of loneliness. 

My depression often makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like I’m undeserving of friends and on my worst days that I don’t have friends. I used to (and occasionally still do) think to myself that my friends weren’t my friends at all. Instead they were gaining my trust so that they could pull some kind of shitty pranks on me and were just waiting for the right time to humiliate me. And I thought that they were all in on it too. Even the ones who don’t know each other. So while my depression makes me feel like I don’t have friends, my anxiety has a different effect.

Anxiety prevents me from reaching out to people for fear of alienating the few friends I imagine I have. And so begins the spiral of loneliness as a result of mental illness. My brain tells me I have no friends and I’m worthless and as a result of that insecurity I become too anxious to attempt to make any new friends.

I’m one of the fortunate ones though. My friends have proven time and time again that they’re there for me. That they’re real friends. That it’s not some sort of sick and extremely elaborate hoax. I know I have so many people I can turn to. People as close as London, as far as Newcastle. Hell one of my best friends is all the way in Australia. And they’re always there for me. Some are friends I’ve made online through video games or forums or Instagram. I have managed to find friends when I thought I had none and would never have any and I’m grateful for every single one of them. And if they ever need me, if they ever feel like I did and sometimes still do, I’m going to make sure that they know I’m always going to be in their corner.

Sometimes you really have to look and reflect to see who’s really there for you. I really genuinely hope and pray that anyone who has the same thoughts as me can fight through them, reach out and remember that people care. If you really can’t think of anyone, remember that I care. I’m in all of your corners. I got you.

If you’re struggling with your mental health, please make sure you contact your doctor. You can also access counselling services and other treatments, often for free through charities.

If you’re in the UK check out these guys:



Be there for one another. Look after yourselves.


Invisible Illness Human Library Episode 1 – Kate

The time has finally come! I’ve finally uploaded episode one of the Invisible Illness Human Library. This first episode is about my best friend and the illnesses that she suffers with. Please have a watch and let us know what you think. Tell us what you’ve learned, what you’d like to know more about and what you’d like us to do for the next few! Episode 2 is currently being edited so expect that in the next week or two! 🙂 So please, watch, like, comment, subscribe and most importantly, SHARE. This whole project is all about raising awareness of invisible illnesses and helping people understand what they are!

If you’d like to find out more about any of the illnesses that Kate talked about in the video or you’d like to support her amazing project, please check out the links below.


So This Is Awkward, Silence isn’t Golden and Valentines Day.

Hey, so it’s been a while! I had initially planned a little two week break over the Christmas holidays and BAM! Two months later, I’ve not done a damn thing on this blog. But I’m back and although it’s not on my usual Thursday spot, I thought I’d give you a little update on life. It’s going to be a little bit rambly but I’m just glad to be back on it! I’ve been a little unwell, a little demotivated and a lot lazy but I’m not beating myself up about it too much. 🙂

The first thing that I’ve noticed recently (and by recently I mean the last few months) is that I am not good with silence. Whether I’m at home, out or at work, I am completely unable to sit in silence. Recently silence makes me really really anxious. Everywhere I am I need to have music on or the TV on in the background. I don’t know why it started, but it’s affected the way I work, the way I relax and the way I look after myself. The strange thing is, there are some sounds and some noises that I can’t cope with. The sound of trains and the underground makes my skin crawl. The sound of other people talking gives me an instant headache. I only seem to be able to handle the sounds that I can control myself. My music, the TV, films. Other sounds are just jarring at the moment and I’m having to relearn how to cope with the rest of the world.


Neon art on display at the Rise Gallery in Croydon

Valentines day is coming up as well which is a source of anxiety for a lot of people. I’ve been single for 4/5 years now and happily single for a fair bit of it but it took me a long time to learn to love being single. I’m happier than ever to be single. Valentines day is a nice day for so many people in relationships but it often causes lots of people anxiety around their relationship status. It’s hard, but try not to focus on that. After all, self love is the most important kind of love there is. I know it’s cheesy as hell, but it’s 100% true.

Either way, please remember, you are wonderful, you deserve to be happy and it might take a little bit of time but everything is going to be fucking amazing.

A Short Update!

First things first, a really important update. Work on the Invisible Illness Human Library has officially got underway! I’ve started meeting with people who are interested in getting involved and have contacted my first potential venue. It’s not a massive start but it’s a start. It’s super exciting to be dipping my toes back into running events!

I’m currently also trying to recruit a little team to work with me on this project. First and foremost, the people with the stories!

For anyone who wants to be one of our “books” the main things we’re exploring about your stories are:
– Diagnosis
– Symptoms
– Highs and lows
– Organisations that have supported you
– Tips for people to support others with an invisible illness.

We’re looking for each person’s story to last between 5 and 10 minutes.

We’ll be doing a physical event (the human library bit) but I would also love to record your stories and upload them so that we can show that it’s okay to talk about invisible illnesses.


Next up, a little life update. It’s been a really tough couple of weeks recently. I’ve found myself feeling physically and mentally exhausted. Luckily, I’ve had lots of people very kindly making sure that I don’t lock myself away and wallow in my own mad mind! I also received the nicest, most thoughtful gift of all time. I was taken to see Eliza and the Bear which was absolutely amazing and then I was given an incredible, heartfelt card and this beautiful wooden Success in Selflessness guitar pick. It’s really hard to stress how important it is to have amazing friends around you. Try your best not to shut yourself away, even if you’re feeling extremely anxious or your depression is hitting hard. Even send a text to say hi to someone. It will help. I promise. 20161128_231753.jpg


Introducing The Invisible Illness Human Library!

So the eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that I didn’t post anything for my usual Thursday post but there was good a reason for that! Well actually there wasn’t. I could totally have written a post but I wanted to get this all done and dusted first. 🙂

I’m launching a brand new project! It’s (as I’m sure you’ve guessed) The Invisible Illness Human Library and I’m super excited to see how it all goes. I’ll let my video below do a little more explaining. Take it away, me!

If you’d like to get involved, get in touch via the contact page or tweet me @albysaurus! 🙂

Videos, New Skills and a New Passion.

So for those of you who follow me on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook, you’ll have seen that I’ve recently released my first video for Success In Selflessness. It’s a totally new avenue for me to explore and it’s a new way to reach new people so that I can hopefully support even more people to open up and talk about their mental health. If you haven’t seen it, don’t panic! Here it is:

The first one is about the benefits of forcing yourself outdoors when you suffer with social anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, I know how fucking hard it is to get out there but if you can manage it, even for ten minutes, it can give you a huge boost.

Over the last few months I’ve been dabbling with music recording, Illustrator, Photoshop, video editing and After Effects. I have unexpectedly fallen in love with creating videos. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got so so much to learn but I’m so proud of my first real attempt at a video. Rest assured that I’ll be doing more of these! 🙂

If you like the video, please like it, share it and subscribe for more! It’ll really help me out and I really want these short videos to help other people too. If you tag me if/when you share it, I’ll give you a shout out on Twitter (@albysaurus) and/or Instagram (@alexquang)! 🙂

The really wonderful thing that I’ve been pondering recently though is about getting educated. I don’t have a degree. I dropped out after a year of doing Business and Management at Birmingham City University. I didn’t do well at A Levels either. But I definitely don’t feel stupid. I’m so much more motivated to learn now that I can choose what to learn. I’m putting in so many hours into everything that I’m doing now.

The way that I see it, learning is an absolutely essential part of life. If you stop learning, you may as well stop doing anything at all. You’ll stop growing as a person and you’ll never strive to be a better version of you. I stopped striving for a while. I became complacent and I ended up miserable. I didn’t feel like I was challenging myself and I felt like less of a person.

I highly doubt I’m ever going to be a full time professional video editor but learning a skill that I thought would be just something I’d use at work has led to me discovering a new passion and I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty exciting to me!

So don’t stop learning, don’t stop pushing yourself and don’t stop being brilliant.


Resilience: No Pain, No Gain

So as mentioned in my last post and on my Instagram I’ve recently started trying to learn how to skateboard. I’m not going to lie. It has not been pretty. I have fallen off the board and fallen, injured my arms, legs and butt. However, I have been getting back on again and again to try to get better.

My body hates me right now and I’ve done the splits about four times today because the board slipped me. I have managed to pull about 90% of my leg muscles. 20160924_1545561

However, no matter how much I fall, humiliate myself, no matter how many bruises and cuts and scrapes I get I’m going to keep on going. Of course, this isn’t just a post about skateboarding. It’s about resilience.

Resilience is all about how we keep going when something goes wrong. It is not always easy to stay resilient. Life will knock you down over and over and it’s going to suck, but how you respond to those knock backs is what shows your true character. The easy option is to give up and to just accept things as they are but sometimes that’s just not feasible.

As regular readers know, I’ve suffered from breakdowns, panic attacks and all the physical manifestations of poor mental health but in my mind, and in what people tell me, I’m trying my absolute hardest to be a better version of me every day. As of today (29th September) I’m 9157 days old which means I’m Alex v. 9157.

You will never be perfect but that doesn’t mean you won’t be incredible. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re a pretty special person now but you can be better too. You just need to believe that you can be incredible. Right this second, I’m feeling pretty chuffed about myself and life but I know it can and still will get even better. My mind will too.

So keep building up resilience. Your muscles get stronger by exercise. Work out your brain. Think things through logically. Keep believing in yourself and the fact that you can be better every day.

Here’s a little message from Rocky Balboa himself. It summarises everything I’ve been talking about in this post.

Right now, I’m actively trying to learn more. Skating, science, music. Everything. That’s how I’m trying to be a better version of myself. Life hit me hard recently but I got back up and am moving forward. I hope you can too.