The Inexplicable Rage of Alex

So recently with all that’s been going on in my life I’ve noticed a bit of a change in myself which I’m not particularly happy with. I’ve found myself becoming angry over some of the smallest things. I feel like my senses have grown more sensitive to smells, light, sound and touch. So whether I’m sitting in my office or on my train I’ve been keeping my sunglasses and my headphones on to try to block out as many external factors as possible.

I think I know some of the factors that are really affecting me are the crazy personal circumstances that I’ve got going on right now and the distinct lack of quality sleep. Insomnia is a big factor but even the nights where I’m able to sleep I wake up several times. Even though I know the issue, I’m finding it pretty hard to manage it and it’s affected how I deal with regular every day situations. It’s made me grumpy AF (that’s what the cool kids say right?).

So here are some of the regular every day things that I am finding rage inducing at the moment.

  1. Being able to hear people eat even if they’re quiet.
  2. Having to speak to pretty much anyone.
  3. Someone sitting next to me on the train.
  4. Said person being inconsiderate enough to repeatedly hit me with her bag and constantly nudge me as she gorged on the worlds biggest bag of crisps.
  5. Every time anyone in the office says anything.
  6. People saying literally anything that I disagree with even slightly.
  7. People who walk slower than me in the street.
  8. The sound of a train approaching the platform.
  9. Trains.
  10. Not being able to decide what to have for lunch.

So yeah, some of these things are pretty irritating. But while I haven’t had any outbursts yet, I get very very agitated over them. Disproportionately agitated. The loathing I feel for the people/objects is unreal. I’m trying really hard to manage this anger and make sure that I don’t lose it in public but that’s proving very very difficult.

My question to you all is, if you’re ever feeling angry about the smallest things, how do you calm yourself down?


The Many Moods Of Alex: Decisions Decisions Decisions!

So I was off work for two weeks and had an amazing time. I forgot about everything work related and got to work on my own projects, got to go visit people I love and forget about impending unemployment and the stresses of money, bills and more.

Monday, I went back to work and was in a surprisingly good mood! I was excited to see the team at work and many laughs were had. I also went out for drinks with a few people (I know, Monday drinks? You mad, Alex. You mad.) which was really good fun.

Tuesday I went to a day of training about how to be a coach with an amazing charity called Yes Futures in preparation to work with a local school and a group of students. I had an amazing day (despite being a little worse for wear post pub. I also stayed up a little later to work on a video which didn’t help…) and was genuinely excited to meet a new group of people who are so excited to help some students get to where they want to be in life.

So all in all, it’s been pretty fucking great recently.

However, today was a very different story. I’ve been so busy and over excited over the last few weeks that I’ve begun to dip a little. Sleep has become erratic and I wake up multiple times a night. So I woke up today barely able to move and my mood was absolute garbage. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been significantly worse, but I was no where near at my best today.

It hit me that one thing that has been playing on my mind is that come June, I’m going to be out of a job. I’m being made redundant and I’m 100% okay with that. I turned down an opportunity to stay here so that I could go and try something new after spending 3+ years here so I’m really excited to find something new.

The things that are playing on my mind are:

  1. I haven’t been offered a job yet.
  2. I haven’t found any job that I’m particularly interested in.
  3. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life.
  4. Did I make the right decision to turn down that job at my current place?

Number 4 is particularly on my mind today. Did I do the right thing to turn down a job with decent pay where I knew what I was doing? If I was following my head, I would say “Nope. I fucked up.”. The team is amazing, the job is easy and the money is good. But my heart isn’t in it anymore. My head is logical. It knows I have bills to pay, trips to make and people that depend on me.

And my heart tells me “Oooh I’m not sure. All those young people could still do with your help but if you’re not sure, maybe it was the right choice? Or not. Who knows.” This indecisiveness is a pretty normal thing for me and always tries to reason things and list the pros and cons. My heart wants to do what’s best for the “greater good” even if it means I suffer because of it.

My gut is the part of me that I listen to most. When I heard that I was at risk of redundancy, my gut told me it was a perfect time to go. The programme I work on is changing and that means it’s a great time for someone new to come in and put their fresh spin on it. It also means that I have an opportunity to push myself and learn a whole load of new things (like coaching). “Go for it, Alex. Take a chance on yourself. Believe in yourself enough to take a risk. It’s going to be great.”

Now, this time, I really believe that I’ve made the right choice. Whoever takes over from me will be amazing and I’m sure it’ll be a huge success. It’s a great chance for me to strike out, develop my own things (blogs, videos, music etc.). I have the chance now to apply for some amazing new jobs and/or do some freelance work (wedding singing is now on the cards). 10168008_256556724526509_1121366075_n

I will always doubt my decisions. Especially when it doesn’t make financial sense. Gotta make that money to survive right? But I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in the business of making a shit load of money. I’m in the joy business. I try my hardest to bring piles of smiles and tins of grins to everyone. One person I don’t do that for though, is myself. So just this once, I’m going to take a chance on my decision, believe it’ll work out and try to enjoy this new adventure.

Your head, heart and gut will always be at odds with each other. Try to believe in your gut more. My gut doesn’t do logic or emotions. My gut just focuses on the feeling at the time. My gut told me to go for it. I’m going to try my best to believe in that. I hope you do too!



“Not Really Such Thing As Racism, Just Opinion”

I can’t believe I’m saying this but “Not really such a thing as racism, just opinion” is a thing that an actual human being said on my Facebook. Racism doesn’t exist apparently. We’re all being super sensitive, we’re weak minded and we’re pathetic people for bitching and moaning about being treated differently.

I made a couple of posts recently about how certain races are represented in mainstream media on my Facebook and one on my blog here. I am by no means an expert on race. All I know is that it’s pretty obvious when people are being belittled, ridiculed and made to look like lesser human beings. Sometimes it’s outright disrespect. Other times it’s veiled as a political piece. The shitstorm on my personal Facebook started when I posted about how angry I was about this particular piece of news racist bullshit. The same person who denied that racism exists said that just after having said “I was hoping you were Asian and Black so that we would have two reasons to discriminate against you”.

If you really want to watch it, I’ll oblige. I warn you though. It’s garbage. It’s not news.

All you have to do is look at the comments on the video to see that it’s offended people but there are somehow also a shit ton of people who for some reason feel the need to defend this shit. If the people this is about are offended, take a fucking hint. It’s fucking disgusting.

Of course, somehow racists found their way to my Facebook post (even though I don’t know any of them) and started mouthing off that I was being overly sensitive and a whiny, weak-minded bitch. Apparently, we’d all be better off if we’d (people of colour [POC]) stop being such pathetic excuses for human beings. POC have spent hundreds of years being raped, murdered and having their land, resources and cultures stolen and are STILL having to prove themselves to not be inferior. This isn’t just about Chinese people either, Black people across the world, Latinx people, Hispanic people, people from the Middle East, East Asians, the native people of countries like America and Australia. This kind of shit happens to all of us and it’s not okay. We won’t be the quiet subservient POC that you expect us to be.

My original post was this:

Karate is Japanese, they went to a martial arts centre with a south Korean flag (amongst others, but not Chinese), Mr Miyagi isn’t Chinese, this American dude is a piece of shit. Respect to the last guy. He knew what was going on. Fox news and Watters/Oreilly are saying it was all in good fun. How about I take the piss out of American stereotypes. They’re fat, white, racist scumbags who murder and incarcerate thousands of black people every year and think they’re better than everyone else. Not nice is it? Fuck it, it’s all in good fun.

There are tons of other things I could list about that video that are very obviously racist. I won’t bother though. We’d be here for days. After all the comments on Facebook from random ALL WHITE Americans, my friends and I tried to inform them with logic, facts, statistics and literal dictionary definitions and some times even tried to appeal to their sense of empathy. Well played, Alex. Empathy? These people? No chance. They also told me words don’t matter. Walk up to a Black person and call them the N word. See if it matters then. People get brave on the internet, in person, I highly doubt they’d be so willing to say the kind of shit they said to us last night.

However, I do want to say thank you to all of my friends, of all races and ethnicities, who argued back with these random racists, who have shown support on my statuses following the incident, and have sent me messages, texts, calls etc. to make sure that I’m not too upset and have sent me real message of support. POC can speak for themselves but my friends and allies from white communities help so much by helping to tackle ignorance and hatred in their communities. I appreciate you all and I’m proud to know you all.

One friend asked me if I’m on some sort of racist watchlist. I have no idea if I am, but if my speaking up about race is getting me on racist watchlists, I must be doing something right eh?

Racism is real and is a serious problem that is literally killing POC. Don’t forget it, don’t let it happen, don’t stay quiet.


P.S. I fully expect some racists to come on here and comment and bitch and moan too. You will be blocked, your comments deleted and your existence forgotten.

The Recovery: Depression is all in your head

So over the last few days I’ve not really been able to do… well, anything.

On Tuesday evening, on the way home, I felt very very faint, started sweating, hyperventilating and shaking quite violently. This was, you guessed it, the beginnings of a panic attack.

By the time the train pulled into my station I’d had to call my mum to come pick me up from the station. When I got into the car I burst into tears (I know right, a guy crying. /s) and didn’t stop for a full five hours. After that, I passed out. I didn’t wake up until the morning. I’ve had loads of panic attacks over the years but this was a panic attack followed by a physical and mental breakdown and it was the worst I’ve ever had.

Over the years I’ve heard lots of people talk about how mental illness is all in your head. I beg to differ. So the main thing in this post is going to be a list of all the things I experienced over the last few days. Here we go:

  • Constant muscle pain

  • Constant joint pain

  • Extremely sensitive eyes and ears

  • Extremely low energy

  • Inability to walk, talk or even lift my arms

  • Complete loss of appetite and the feeling of being sick whenever eating

  • Extreme pain when swallowing

  • Swollen eyes

  • Blocked nose

  • Hot and cold flushes

  • Migraines

  • Erratic sleep patterns

  • So SO sweaty…

These are just some of the ones I want to list today. The most crushing thing that I’ve had to do over the last few days though, is cancel plans with some wonderful people who I’ve not seen in ages.

Today has been the first day I’ve been able to walk around the house with no support or leaning on things. It’s also the first time in a few days I’ve been able to open the blinds, listen to music, sing (it was about four bars of humming). I’ve yet been able to leave the house though.

So to anyone who thinks that mental illness is all in your head and doesn’t actually affect your body at all, you’re so so wrong.


P.S. Thank you to my mother who picked me up, looked after me, literally supported me to get to the doctors, shopped for me and cooked for me.

Also a huge thank you to all my friends who sent me get well soon messages and also those who I had to cancel on for understanding but a special thank you to Kate (and her boyfriend Carlos) who sent me a box of nerdy things. 20160813_213325[1]

Also also, when you’re barely able to move and spend almost 24 hours a day in your room with no windows open, blinds closed and lights off, your room ends up smelling quite bad…

The Recovery: Panic Attacks and Breakdowns

So first thing to address, I’m getting rid of the numbers. By the time I get better completely, we’ll be at a silly number. So from now on this little series of blogs will be just known as “The Recovery”.

Now, onto the juicy bit. Panic attacks. They take on many different forms and can be caused by loads of different things. Some of the more serious causes of panic attacks and breakdowns can include (but are not limited to):

  • Severe stress
  • Loss of a loved one
  • Relationship breakdown
  • Problems at work
  • Exhaustion

Sometimes, though, the causes of panic attacks and breakdowns can be the most ridiculous things. The last two days have been like that for me. I’m feeling somewhat better at the moment but have had some rather silly breakdowns over the last couple days.

I’m writing this particular piece to hopefully give you all a bit of a chuckle and also hopefully show you all that anything at any time can cause a panic attack or breakdown and that’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s  normal. It’ll pass. I promise. I’ve had 2 breakdowns and about 5 panic attacks.

Here are some of the things that have caused me some distress the last two days.

  • Not having the right berries in my local Tesco
  • Running out of Bonjela
  • Getting below 60 frames per second on a game
  • Dying in a game
  • Not being able to decide how I wanted to build my house on the Sims
  • The thought of seeing people in a social setting despite them being friends
  • Sleeping too late
  • Not sleeping enough

All of these things gave me reactions of varying severity. All of these things may seem like minor things to people. And even to me, on a good day, these things are pretty minor. But in the moment, at that exact time, it’s a huge problem and causes me to not function properly.

One thing that’s hard to do though, is remember that it’s not your fault. I constantly question whether or not I’m being pathetic. I regularly think that it’s my own fault and that I deserve to not find the right berries or to have an ulcer or to die in a game or anything more serious.

I have to tell myself over and over, “it’s not my fault” just as I want you to say it’s not yours. Panic attacks and breakdowns are unpredictable, horrible and so tough to prevent. I’m not going to tell anyone how to prevent panic attacks in this post but I will tell you how I prevent my own panic attacks eventually. I just wanted to remind everyone that if you have a panic attack, it’s okay.


The Recovery Part 9: How People Make You Powerful

Over the last six months I’ve made some really interesting new friends, reconnected with old friends and lost touch with others.

Let’s start with the people I’ve lost touch with. It’s absolutely never anything personal. The people I’ve lost touch with are absolutely wonderful. Nothing has happened at all, no one offended me, I’ve not been (knowingly) mean or horrible. Sometimes people just drift apart. We all lead our own lives and grow and develop into different people. No one should ever feel guilty about losing touch. I will never turn anyone’s calls or texts away and I hope they never do too. I’m almost positive that our paths will cross again one day and I can’t wait to see how we’ve both grown and changed. No one in this situation should ever feel guilty and I’m trying really hard not to feel guilty.

Old friends that I’ve reconnected with, a few in particular have reminded me why we were friends to begin with. There are some who I’ve spoken to intermittently over the years and every time it’s like we never stopped talking. Now, a few people I speak to often and for long periods of time. I’m going to include here acquaintances that I now consider close friends.

New people I’ve met over the last few months have had a huge impact on me as well. Whether it’s the new people in the office who are great fun or people I met when we all just so happened to team up to save the universe’s last star from being destroyed, it’s amazing how people can make you feel powerful. Fresh positivity from new friends is amazing.

There are so many ways that people can make you feel powerful. For me, it’s how they make me feel accepted. That instantly makes me feel powerful because for me, there’s always going to be safety in numbers. We’re all social creatures, even me, who prefers to be on my own most of the time. My gamers and I now have our own little squad. My colleagues and I have a camaraderie that has formed from a mutual love of our jobs and drinks on a Thursday. My campaigners inspire me every day by saving the world. My school friends make me feel young again. But no matter what the relationship I have with someone is, the thing that makes me feel the most powerful is acceptance. Acceptance from others makes me feel like I’m doing something right. Acceptance from others helps me to accept myself. Acceptance from myself makes me feel stronger. Find the people that you make you feel powerful and keep them around.

You deserve to feel powerful and deserve to have people make you feel that way.

The Recovery Part 7: Slips, Trips and Mental Flips

It’s been a while (as usual) since I’ve posted. I’ve been so busy running around the UK for work, travelling back and forth back home and planning and running a gig with some friends. Last month was pretty great but it has left me in a state of exhaustion. Hayfever is kicking in as well now which has left me feeling extra lethargic.

That’s actually the biggest problem I have right now. My eyes are constantly sore and my nose is clogged up. This in turn is preventing me from sleeping properly and that then affects my moods. I’ve been finding conversation extremely difficult this week which has then given me panic attacks. Even with some of my closest friends, I’ve been struggling to even say a single word.

When I do manage to utter a word, my brain has gone into overdrive thinking about whether or not I said the right thing or spoke appropriately which again can send me into either a frantic panic or a quiet “I’m just not going to say anything” panic.

All of these things have caused my mood to slip. It’s caused me to go from having a really great, exciting month in May, to an oil covered slide into my own broken brain. I’m trying my hardest not to slip too far and am trying to make sure that I’ve got interesting things to do and to work towards.

Several times, I’ve tripped over my own words, my own thoughts and my own feelings this month. I’ve flip-flopped on so many decisions and allowed myself to fall into old habits. For example, my old kryptonite, takeaways. I fucking love a good takeaway but I know full well that they’re neither thrifty or healthy.

These last two weeks or so have been exceptionally difficult for me to function but my mental flips are but a temporary affliction I’m sure. I’m going to try my best not to let my mental flips control me. If you’re having slips, trips and mental flips, just stay strong and remember that none of this is not your fault. You are not and will not ever be alone. If you need to take some time to look after yourself, do it. You’re number 1 always.

Mental Health Awareness Week: Tag

So it’s come round again pretty swiftly but we’re slap bang in the middle of MHAW.

The delightful Becca has tagged me to talk about my mental health. You should go check out her post here. First things first, thank you to Becca for sharing her story, answering these questions and helping to make talking about your mental health normal. Now, I’m sure regular readers will know a fair bit about my journey but here goes! (Warning, this is going to be a long one.)

  • What mental illness do you have?

I have depression and anxiety.

  • When were you diagnosed?

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 18 and still in college. The anxiety was when I was around 22.

  • Who knows about it?

Almost everyone I know. I try to be as open and honest about it as possible though that doesn’t always happen! The first person who knew was my ex who to this day I’m grateful to for supporting me and getting me the help I needed. We don’t speak anymore but I’ll always be thankful for helping me to get better! The first friend who I told about it was one of my closest friends and my sister from another mister. That was the hardest thing for me, just coming to terms with it all. I was so scared that it would alienate me from other people because I wasn’t normal.

  • Do you receive treatment for it?

I’m currently on a pretty decent dosage of Fluoxetine (I think it’s called Prozac in the states). I’ve been on more different tablets than I can count and have gone to counselling multiple times but believe it or not, the idea of talking about it to help me recover is still quite scary.

  • Has your mental illness stopped you from doing anything?

My anxiety and depression stop me from doing a lot of different things. Though I’m outwardly a very chatty person, I despise meeting new people fearing that they may hate me. It regularly stops me from going out and socialising with friends. So often, I decide to stay at home rather than see people I really want to as I’m so scared of talking to people that I don’t know. My mental illnesses also stop me from doing some really basic things too. It often leaves my body completely exhausted and I sometimes struggle to get out of bed, speak, eat, drink or even breathe sometimes. I’ve also (not for a while, thankfully) once left a restaurant because I couldn’t decide what to eat.

  • Is there anything in particular that has helped you?

Music, art, comic books, videogames and volunteering. Oh and food. I love food. Music is my favourite way to unwind and calm myself down. I love to sing and play. There’s something very therapeutic about creating something. Whether it’s a piece of music, a piece of art, a delicious dish. Or just saving the universe from monsters and aliens. Of course the other huge thing that helps me is having good people around me. Friends and family are not to be taken for granted. Whenever I need it, I seem to get a text or call from my best friends. Whenever I go home to see my family, we chat all night, we eat and watch Grand Designs. My work also helps me greatly. It’s a job I love and getting to work with and support other young people to help their communities and themselves gives me endless pleasure.

  • Can you describe what it feels like to have your mental illness?

It feels like a prison of thoughts. Every single interaction I have, whether professional or social is an absolute ball ache. I go through all the possible scenarios that could possibly come out of this interaction. What if I say something that offends them? What if I say something embarrassing? It’s exhausting. It’s a constant feeling of ineptitude and inability to function normally. It’s comparing myself to everyone else in society and to societal norms and trying to fit those molds. It’s like an elephant standing on my chest and daggers poking my brain. It’s more often than not a complete numbness to everything in the world. Pleasure is an uncommon thing and it’s very rare that I feel truly happy to be alive but I want to get back to being happy again.

  • What is a common misconception about your mental illness?

That it’s as easy as flipping a switch to turn it off. The number of times that I’ve been told to just get over it and stop being so miserable is impossible to count. It’s also the least helpful thing in the world. If I could do that I would do that in an instant. I don’t believe there’s anyone in the world who would want to suffer with depression and anxiety. I know so many people who I’ve worked with, volunteered with, spoken to online who are fighting the same fight as me and it’s probably the most common thing that is said to us. 13245324_1854977518062911_6991456438909472387_n.png

  • What do you find the most difficult to deal with?

The guilt. It’s unfounded, unfortunate and irrational. I would never feel guilty for breaking my leg and not being able to do something yet for some reason, not being able to bring myself to go out and see people because of my mental illnesses fills me with so much guilt. I feel guilty that I miss birthdays, gatherings, parties, dinners. I struggle to do any of that stuff unless I’m in control and I’ve planned every detail and know exactly who is and isn’t going to be there. I feel so guilty for letting people down and disappointing people but if it was the other way round, I wouldn’t ever feel like they were letting me down. They’re just looking after themselves.

  • Do you have anything else you’d like to say?

First, thanks for reading this far! It’s always a struggle to talk about these things so openly but it’s important that I do. I would love for more people to do the same so that I can make sure that we’re not going to be stuck feeling bad about our illnesses. As always, just make sure that you ask your friends how they are. Offer to support each other, look after each other, be kind to one another and make sure that there’s always love and compassion at the forefront of your mind.

Also, just generally don’t be a dick.

As this is mental illness tag, I’m tagging everyone who’s reading this. Drop it in the comments below if you’re comfortable doing it or write a blog post of your own. Otherwise, please feel free to like, comment and follow me for more mental health posts. 🙂


The Recovery Part 4: Being Your Real Self

I used to spend absolutely ages trying my hardest to hide parts of my life that I thought were uncool or weird. Even things I absolutely loved and really enjoyed. There was only one thing that I didn’t hide as much when I was in school and that was my love for Yu-Gi-Oh cards. I was amazing at that game.

I used to absolutely love anime, video games, manga, cartoons. All the nerdy things. Over time my nerd interests grew to include comic books, technology (in particular mobile phones and computers) and science. But throughout most of my life, I was absolutely embarrassed by all of my “awful” interests.

I’m not what you’d call “conventionally cool”, hell I’m barely even unconventionally cool. But I’ve been trying really hard over the last few months to appreciate myself in a way that I’ve always struggled with. I’m embracing all the things that make me, me. I’m trying to find my “Inner Babe” (T, I’m still working on it!) and I think it’s going well.

I’m actually sitting here watching some anime as I type and I’ve got to the point now where it’s more exhausting to try to hide my nerdy habits. I’ve got comic books next to my bed, Marvel bunting with my name on it (thanks V) and video games and controllers all over the place. Wireless charging pads litter my desk, Bluetooth headphones accompany me everywhere, my smartwatch (which is arguably entirely pointless) is part of my daily outfit. I have a cupboard full of old computer parts and a desktop computer which I’m slowly but surely building up to be a beautiful piece of kit.

That’s not everything that defines me though, I’m a musician, an illustrator, a youth worker and a singer. Those parts of me I never hid as they’re a little bit “cooler”… But all of these things are what makes me, me. I’m celebrating everything that makes me unique.

I hope you’re able to appreciate yourself too, all the bits that you don’t often consider to be excellent. All the bits that society wouldn’t generally consider to be cool, all the nerdy things, all the lame things, all the weird things. Love them all! If people judge you based on your harmless interests then screw them!

I’m trying my hardest to be my real self. I hope you get to be your real self too.

If all else fails, my mum says I’m cool…


The Recovery Part 2: On the Mend

So it’s been a few weeks now since I’ve started on my tablets again and put a lot of plans in place to make myself better. Some of my key goals have been small easy wins and some are slightly longer term and a little more difficult to achieve.

The small easy wins that I’ve managed recently are:

  1. Read! I’ve recently bought a poetry book by Sarah Howe called the Loop of Jade. It’s a great collection and focuses quite a bit on her dual identity being half Chinese and half English. (Similarly, I’m a British-born Chinese person.) I don’t read anywhere near as often as I used to so it’s good to be reading again.
  2. Get out of my room. This one seems silly but it’s so easy for me to lock myself away in my room and play video games all evening and ignore my housemate and the world outside of my bubble. But just trying to sit downstairs more often, staying for a chat for a half hour is a huge deal for me and often leads to me sticking around for much longer and enjoying myself.
  3. Be more creative. I’ve been trying my very hardest to set aside more time in my day for creative practices. Music (as always) is my number one, go-to creative activity. I’m singing more often, louder and with less inhibitions! Living in a house with another singer and musician helps greatly. I’ve also been trying to illustrate more as it’s something I always used to love doing. I try to create things I can give away to people and make them smile.
  4. Get to work. For the first few weeks of the year I couldn’t work. I could barely get out of bed, to be fair. But I found that the extreme anxiety of going back to work after so long was short-lived. The anxiety is still there but as I get used to it all again it’s fading quickly. The first week I was back I came in a little later and left a little earlier. Now I’m back to working full days and am easing myself back into delivering sessions and workshops.

While these are huge steps for me, they’re such simple little things for most people so I’ve added them to my small easy wins. Getting out of bed at all should be on there for sure. Little things add up and make a huge impact. I’m still far from feeling well. I still get bouts of feeling very sick, spikes in my anxiety and still quite often it takes everything in me to not have a panic attack. All of this and trying my very hardest to keep a smile on my face for the sake of my work is extremely tiring. I finish most days exhausted and by the time I get home and have cooked and eaten, that’s it for me and I hit the hay and the struggle to wake up and get out starts all over again.

It’s important for me, and for lots of people recovering from mental illness to find a routine, find small wins, celebrate those wins and slowly build up to bigger things. My mood may dip multiple times a day but I’m confident that with everything that I’ve been putting into place I’m going to get better. I hope you’re all able to find something to get you back on the road to recovery and allow you to take control of your body and mind again.

Please feel free to get in touch with me and let me know if you have any routines and activities that you use to keep your mood up! 🙂

Yours sleepily,