Category Archives: Stigma

Mental Health Awareness Week: Tag

Posted on by under #cheerupchallenge, Anti-depressants, Anxiety, Depression, Family, Friends, Health, Mental Health, Mental Health Awareness Week, Reflection, Respect, Social, Stigma, Stories, Taboo, Uncategorized, What's On Your Mind?

So it’s come round again pretty swiftly but we’re slap bang in the middle of MHAW.

The delightful Becca has tagged me to talk about my mental health. You should go check out her post here. First things first, thank you to Becca for sharing her story, answering these questions and helping to make talking about your mental health normal. Now, I’m sure regular readers will know a fair bit about my journey but here goes! (Warning, this is going to be a long one.)

  • What mental illness do you have?

I have depression and anxiety.

  • When were you diagnosed?

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 18 and still in college. The anxiety was when I was around 22.

  • Who knows about it?

Almost everyone I know. I try to be as open and honest about it as possible though that doesn’t always happen! The first person who knew was my ex who to this day I’m grateful to for supporting me and getting me the help I needed. We don’t speak anymore but I’ll always be thankful for helping me to get better! The first friend who I told about it was one of my closest friends and my sister from another mister. That was the hardest thing for me, just coming to terms with it all. I was so scared that it would alienate me from other people because I wasn’t normal.

  • Do you receive treatment for it?

I’m currently on a pretty decent dosage of Fluoxetine (I think it’s called Prozac in the states). I’ve been on more different tablets than I can count and have gone to counselling multiple times but believe it or not, the idea of talking about it to help me recover is still quite scary.

  • Has your mental illness stopped you from doing anything?

My anxiety and depression stop me from doing a lot of different things. Though I’m outwardly a very chatty person, I despise meeting new people fearing that they may hate me. It regularly stops me from going out and socialising with friends. So often, I decide to stay at home rather than see people I really want to as I’m so scared of talking to people that I don’t know. My mental illnesses also stop me from doing some really basic things too. It often leaves my body completely exhausted and I sometimes struggle to get out of bed, speak, eat, drink or even breathe sometimes. I’ve also (not for a while, thankfully) once left a restaurant because I couldn’t decide what to eat.

  • Is there anything in particular that has helped you?

Music, art, comic books, videogames and volunteering. Oh and food. I love food. Music is my favourite way to unwind and calm myself down. I love to sing and play. There’s something very therapeutic about creating something. Whether it’s a piece of music, a piece of art, a delicious dish. Or just saving the universe from monsters and aliens. Of course the other huge thing that helps me is having good people around me. Friends and family are not to be taken for granted. Whenever I need it, I seem to get a text or call from my best friends. Whenever I go home to see my family, we chat all night, we eat and watch Grand Designs. My work also helps me greatly. It’s a job I love and getting to work with and support other young people to help their communities and themselves gives me endless pleasure.

  • Can you describe what it feels like to have your mental illness?

It feels like a prison of thoughts. Every single interaction I have, whether professional or social is an absolute ball ache. I go through all the possible scenarios that could possibly come out of this interaction. What if I say something that offends them? What if I say something embarrassing? It’s exhausting. It’s a constant feeling of ineptitude and inability to function normally. It’s comparing myself to everyone else in society and to societal norms and trying to fit those molds. It’s like an elephant standing on my chest and daggers poking my brain. It’s more often than not a complete numbness to everything in the world. Pleasure is an uncommon thing and it’s very rare that I feel truly happy to be alive but I want to get back to being happy again.

  • What is a common misconception about your mental illness?

That it’s as easy as flipping a switch to turn it off. The number of times that I’ve been told to just get over it and stop being so miserable is impossible to count. It’s also the least helpful thing in the world. If I could do that I would do that in an instant. I don’t believe there’s anyone in the world who would want to suffer with depression and anxiety. I know so many people who I’ve worked with, volunteered with, spoken to online who are fighting the same fight as me and it’s probably the most common thing that is said to us. 13245324_1854977518062911_6991456438909472387_n.png

  • What do you find the most difficult to deal with?

The guilt. It’s unfounded, unfortunate and irrational. I would never feel guilty for breaking my leg and not being able to do something yet for some reason, not being able to bring myself to go out and see people because of my mental illnesses fills me with so much guilt. I feel guilty that I miss birthdays, gatherings, parties, dinners. I struggle to do any of that stuff unless I’m in control and I’ve planned every detail and know exactly who is and isn’t going to be there. I feel so guilty for letting people down and disappointing people but if it was the other way round, I wouldn’t ever feel like they were letting me down. They’re just looking after themselves.

  • Do you have anything else you’d like to say?

First, thanks for reading this far! It’s always a struggle to talk about these things so openly but it’s important that I do. I would love for more people to do the same so that I can make sure that we’re not going to be stuck feeling bad about our illnesses. As always, just make sure that you ask your friends how they are. Offer to support each other, look after each other, be kind to one another and make sure that there’s always love and compassion at the forefront of your mind.

Also, just generally don’t be a dick.

As this is mental illness tag, I’m tagging everyone who’s reading this. Drop it in the comments below if you’re comfortable doing it or write a blog post of your own. Otherwise, please feel free to like, comment and follow me for more mental health posts. 🙂

A

The Recovery Part 5: This is what my depression looks like.

Posted on by under #cheerupchallenge, #OnYourMind, Anti-depressants, Anxiety, Depression, Friends, Health, Mental Health, Positivity, Recovery, Social, Stigma, Taboo

What my depression looks like changes on a daily basis. Some days I’m a happy go lucky, music man with a spring in his step and a joke to tell. Some days I’m the calm, quiet, doodler. Some days I’m a tech mad, comic book nerd with his face deep in some sort of gadget.

Some days I’m a happy go lucky, music man with a spring in his step and a joke to tell. Some days I’m the calm, quiet, doodler. Some days I’m a tech mad, comic book nerd with his face deep in some sort of gadget. 

However, some days it’s also a raging beast of emotion which pours out of my eyes and my mouth as tears and words I’ll later regret. Other days it’s a complete numbness where I feel no emotion at all, no happiness or sadness. Some days I’m incapable of movement, speech or thought. Sometimes I break down over the most ridiculous things that most people would either be completely unphased by, or at most, are mildly irritated by (an example, today I had a breakdown after I realised I forgot to order my usual mushroom rice with my curry and I accidentally ordered a sweet sultana naan bread).  Often, I’m a combination of two or more of these and that’s pretty scary.

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Sometimes I break down over the most ridiculous things that most people would either be completely unphased by, or at most, aremildly irritated by.

For the people who don’t know me very well, they may well only see the happy-go-lucky guy. Or the doodler. Or the super nerd. And that’s the aim. Even me, who’s quite open about my mental health, find it hard to behave as I want to for fear of upsetting others. I don’t get to be emotional at work. I don’t allow myself to become overwhelmed and break down in front of other people. Often my mood swings on a normal day every hour or so. Some parts of the day you’ll get a genuine happy, super fun time Alex and other parts of the day you’ll get the fraud. Some parts of the day I’ll retreat away from other people by going for a walk or sitting in a meeting room so that I can stop the act for just a few minutes.

Every social interaction I have with other humans is a tiring and complicated experience inside my brain. Every single word I speak, my body language, whether or not I hug or shake hands or have any physical contact at all is thought over hundreds of times before every action. I go through every possible scenario that I can think of and plan for the best and worst possible outcomes. (Example: I accidentally added someone on Facebook recently and felt so bad and went through so many scenarios that I apologised to that person when I saw them before realising that I was probably going to end up adding them anyway at some point. The person did not care in the slightest that I added them on Facebook.)

Every single word I speak, my body language, whether or not I hug or shake hands or have any physical contact at all is thought over hundreds of times before every action.

Even if I feel well that day, my brain still thinks about these interactions constantly and if things go right, I feel pretty decent. If they don’t go as I’d hoped it could be the one thing that breaks my resolve and causes a dramatic mood swing. Days like today, where my mind and body are exhausted the thought of speaking to other people seems like the worst possible scenario. This is what my depression looks like summarised in it’s most simple possible form though there is a huge amount that I’m unable to verbalise or get down on to virtual paper.

If you’re comfortable sharing how your depression looks, please feel free to do so in the comments or get in touch with me privately via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or email if you would like to talk. I may not post often but I’m still keen to help to facilitate people to discuss their own personal black clouds.

One thing it’s not is “just a fancy word for feeling bummed out”. Don’t be like Dwight.

A

P.S. Thank you to all of my friends, family and colleagues for understanding that when I ignore your calls, don’t turn up to things, take forever to reply to messages or lock myself away, that it’s not personal. You guys are my rocks.

The Recovery Part 1

Posted on by under #cheerupchallenge, Anti-depressants, Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Open, Recovery, Stigma, Taboo

I’ve been on tablets now for 11 days. It’s not been the smoothest of sailing. My appetite has been very up and down. Some days (or even parts of the day) my appetite would be so huge. I would be starving until I took that first bite then I’d feel sick instantly. Other times I’d not be hungry at all despite not having eaten for hours.

My mood has also been equally up and down. Some parts of the day I would absolutely not want to speak to anyone and other parts I feel almost like myself again, able to hold a conversation and able to laugh at jokes. The evenings I feel a little more relaxed in the new place. I have my own space for the first time since I was born (excluding that year at uni). My housemate is very understanding if I want to just sit in my room and recuperate.

I’ve also been back at work for the week. After two weeks off at Christmas, two days working from home, one day in the office and leaving early, then a week and a half off sick, I found it really difficult to go back. I was desperate to get back into a routine but my anxiety was also sky high. I felt like all eyes would be on me and there would be tons of attention my way. Luckily the team at work are also pretty damn good at understanding my moods. I’ve not been able to manage full days so I’ve been getting to work a little later than normal and leaving a little bit earlier but it’s definitely helped me ease back into a routine of some sort.

I’ve also been trying to make myself commit to some positive actions for my physical and mental health.

  1. Play more music. Record more music. Listen to more music. Sing more. – Do I even need to say any more? Music is the greatest healer, the best comforter and the number one thing to relax and bring a bit of joy. It’s also a powerful tool for social change. Case in point – Akala.
  2. Be sociable – Even if that means dragging people to the new house which is my comfort zone at the moment.
  3. Cook more – Making my own food is not only tasty and healthy, the process of cooking is also extremely therapeutic for me.

I’m still not even close to getting back to my normal self. I find it extremely exhausting trying to be “normal” for other people. It’s tiring to smile when I don’t want to. However, I’m actively forcing myself to take positive actions to improve my health so that I am smiling for real. It can be really hard and extremely scary, panic attack inducing even but it could also massively aid you in your recovery if you start to force yourself to do things that you’re scared of doing even though you know it’s good for you.

I’m determined to get better and I hope sharing my experiences will help you get better too.

A

Samaritans

Mind

Other mental health organisations

Welcome to the recovery.

Posted on by under #cheerupchallenge, Anti-depressants, Anxiety, Change, Depression, Happiness, Health, Mental Health, Stigma, Taboo, Time

So I’ve moved away from the beautiful leafy suburb of Croydon to the beautiful leafy suburb of Finchley. It’s a pretty nice area and it’s a great house. I’m really lucky to be living with someone excellent too. There’s a great looking sushi place I want to try out (it’s all you can eat).

Moving is very tiring though. Especially when you’ve just started back on antidepressants after a particularly crazy few weeks. Sleep is still hard to keep up. I wake up often and the quality of my sleep isn’t great. The tablets are wreaking havoc in my body. My eyes are constantly itching, my appetite comes and goes, my motivation to do anything varies on an hourly basis.

I have to really force myself to do even the tiniest things. Even the most awesome things that happy Alex would normally love to do, unwell Alex struggles with. I’m going back to work in the morning after a long long time and that’s both exciting and terrifying.

Going back to work after a mental health episode is often the hardest day. Anxiety runs high and it’s extra high after a huge change in my life. So for now, work, relationships, everything else, takes a backseat. My focus is going to be my mental health. I may have moved to a new place in a new town but I’m trying my hardest to get back to my old self.

I’m going to be blogging more about my recovery this time round so stay tuned. I want to show that you can get better.

Welcome to the recovery!

Depression: “But you’re so happy!”

Posted on by under #cheerupchallenge, Anti-depressants, Anxiety, Depression, Health, Life, Mental Health, Positivity, Social, Stigma

So after a long long time, I’m unfortunately back on anti-depressants. Over the last few months, my mood has dipped gradually despite my best efforts to do all the things that usually give me a boost. I’m still working on picking apart why I’m feeling like this so you’ll have to bear with me. Luckily I’m “experienced” enough that I was able to get myself to the doctors before doing anything drastic. So while I’m not thrilled that I’m back on tablets I’m glad that the doctors were so responsive.

People always seemed to be really surprised when I tell them that I suffer from anxiety and depression. The common response I get is; “Really?! You always seem so happy.”. And yeah, I always try my very hardest to be happy and if I feel rubbish then I at least pretend to be happy because sometimes, it almost tricks my brain into believing that I’m actually happy. But you’re right, it can be strange that people who seem so chipper can be secretly suffering in silence (not that I suffer in silence. I’m very open with my mental health.).

It can be really terrifying for someone to admit that they have depression and even harder to ask for help. If you know someone who’s been brave enough to open up to you about their mental health please support them. Even if all that means is supporting them to go to see the doctor. Or something as simple as checking up on them every once in a while.

I’ve been given a few days off to recover and been told to not do anything but I’m struggling. Lots of sleep and movies for me I think.

Before I finish and try to eat some good I want to share this:

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This is the face of my depression and my experience back on tablets. Sleep deprived, puffy red panda eyes, nauseous, paranoid, extremely emotional, migraine filled, low on energy, no appetite (which has never happened before).

Its okay to ask for help, it’s okay to feel (and look) like this. I’m at a low point of an uphill struggle to get better but I’ve taken that first step (again) to admitting I need help which is half the battle.

A

Diversity City

Posted on by under Chinese, Family, Friends, General Ranting, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Race, Social, Stigma, Stories

I’m very fortunate to live in London (well, the London Borough of Croydon) and I’m so glad that I can look to any corner of my city and see diversity. I don’t just mean race. I mean religion, political views, ethics, gender, sexual orientation. The lot. Being involved in the work that I do is a real insight into how this part of town is run. So many people I know are activists, campaigners, socially and politically aware and active.

It’s great and there’s no doubt about it.

One thing I have noticed though, which upsets me sometimes is that even though our city is so diverse, there’s one group that doesn’t seem to mobilise as much as others. We have a huge feminist movement. A huge LGBTQI movement. A huge black rights movement. A huge immigration movement. But my community, the one I grew up in is no where to be seen and if it can be seen, it’s not been seen by me. Even tonight at the Border Talk event in Vauxhall, I’m pretty sure I was the only Chinese person  here.

I’m Chinese by blood and proud of it. Only in the last few years have I really started to talk about being Chinese and talk about being Chinese. In that time I’ve been so proud. I see the Chinese community taking care of each other like we’re all family. People I don’t even know will support us when/if we ever need it. But we’re not, I don’t feel, fully integrated.


Who’s fault is this? No one’s in particular. We’re partly to blame, of course, but so is society. I’m not saying we have it hard as a people but we’re still subjected to stereotypes and unintentional racism. I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked “do you live above a takeaway?”, “do you know martial arts?”, “so, who would win in a fight between Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee?”. People actively avoid saying the “N” word but the words “chink” and “yellow” are still banded around like nothing.

We’re often stereotyped as the people that work in takeaways. The people that sell pirate DVDs. The people that speak with that hilarious accent. We’re good at maths and all play the violin and piano. Well, no, for a start. But I get it. A lot of Chinese people do work in takeaways. But why is that?

You tell a child enough times as a society that they’re the spawn of Satan and they’ll believe it. You tell the Chinese community, directly or indirectly that they’re best placed working in a takeaway, where do you think they’re going to end up?

We’re often seen as the meek, mild people who are happy to get on with our work in the classroom quietly but that’s not all we are. We’re proud people who value community and we are so much more than our race. We are youth workers, graphic designers, carers, creators, writers, philosophers, artists, rappers, actors,  and China also happens to be one of the fastest developing economies in the world.

So my message is twofold here.

1. Society needs to acknowledge the Chinese community as more than the people on the other side of the counter when they order their egg fried rice and spring rolls. We are people with stories.

2. As Chinese people, we need to stop letting ourselves be ignored. We need to speak up on the issues that matter to us as British Chinese people and we need to show solidarity with our brothers and sisters here in the UK. This is our home now too, lets look after it.

Yeah, Chinese, and what?

Week Commencing 25th May

Posted on by under Anxiety, Health, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Mental Health, Reflection, Stigma

The last seven days or so have been an ordeal. Had my mood been better I’m sure the last week would have been very different!

Monday: The day it all kicked off. This was the day I played my first gig in around six years. Needless to say, in the lead up to the show I was petrified. My strong mental resilience seemed to crumble under the nerves of playing a show which is very strange for me as I used to love it. I played a few songs and made a lot of mistakes which was horrendous for my confidence and anxiety. Monday saw my self worth plummet and that left me in a shaken state for the rest of my week.

I did a lot of travelling this week as well. Tuesday I went over to Slough and worked there for the day before delivering a session in the evening. Again not my best work which was due to my constant anxiety and that of course made it worse. Wednesday was much of the same. Slightly better but my mood was very low. The only plus side of Wednesday was seeing a friend which calmed me down significantly before I travelled up to Leeds that evening.

After getting into Leeds at around half ten, I got to the hotel and worked and practiced for the training I’d be delivering the next day. The next morning I had to deliver that training, sleep deprived, miserable and exhausted. One obnoxious man at the training did not help things and seemed to get to me more than it should have!

Friday was another semi pick me up where I saw one friend but was so exhausted that I missed another’s birthday. Sorry!

Saturday was terrible. I thought it was the 29th and so booked to go see a film with a friend. Turns out it was the 30th. My mums birthday. So not only did it feel like I’d forgotten my mums birthday, I also had to cancel on a friend. Once again my self esteem plummeted.

Throughout the whole week I’ve been having panic attacks. Usually in the very early hours of the morning though there are a few dotted around for good measure. Tonight has been no exception.

Mental health is an unpredictable beast. Lots of people would probably say that making a few mistakes performing is a minor thing and my reaction to it is disproportionate. They’d probably be right. But it just goes to show that even small things like that can be devastating to someone’s mood and we’ll being.

I went from feeling phenomenal last week to having one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in months. It’s hard to put into words how my brain works when my depression and anxiety really kick into overdrive but by talking about it at all will hopefully make it easier to articulate and easier to understand for others.

A

On Your Mind update and the new challenge!

Posted on by under #OnYourMind, Anxiety, Happiness, Health, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Life, Mental Health, Reflection, Stigma, What's On Your Mind?

It’s been a long long time since I last posted! Sorry to all who read, but I’m hopefully going to be back on track pretty soon.

As you all know, I’ve been working on collecting some stuff for a new project #OnYourMind which is still happening! It’s just taking a bit of time to collect a bunch of stories. It will be launching pretty soon and it’ll be a limited run of hopefully around five or six posts!

I’ve also set myself a new challenge on Instagram which you can follow me on from the top of this page called the #CheerUpChallenge. One of the reasons I’ve not been posting as much is because my depression has been extremely trying recently and once I finish work I don’t have enough energy to do anything else. The challenge is going to be simple. Make a conscious effort to do the things that make me feel better!

If you’d like to take part too, feel free! @ me on Instagram and use the hashtag #CheerUpChallenge!

I will be back soon, I promise!

A

Introducing: What’s On Your Mind?

Posted on by under #OnYourMind, Anxiety, Appreciation, Campaign, Change, Happiness, Health, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Mental Health, Stigma, Stories, Taboo, What's On Your Mind?

Those of you that know me will know that I’ve been racking my brains for a while now for a project that I could run with little resource on mental health. I myself suffer from depression and anxiety and know a lot of people with the same and other mental health problems.

Much of society doesn’t understand the concept of mental health and the stigmas surrounding it are unjustified, untrue and occasionally downright unpleasant. How can I as an individual try to tackle this issue? Well I’ve always encouraged people to talk about mental health. I did that first by opening up about my own mental ill-health. Slowly people began to talk to me and share their own experiences of mental health whether it was positive or negative. Whether they were going through it at that time or they’d been through it previously.

I’ve spoken to a bunch of people now and so I thought it was time to get their stories out there in a slightly different way. Talking about your entire experience of mental health can be exhausting, uncomfortable and lengthy so I decided to take snapshots of people’s lives.

I’ve asked people to write up their average daily thoughts hour by hour from the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep.

I’ve got two aims for this project. The first is to show the general public that mental health affects people on a daily basis, that it’s complex, and that the stereotypes aren’t all they’re meant to be. There’s more to a person than their illnesses!

The second aim is that people who are taking part can see their thoughts written down and they can see all the little positives that they should start appreciating more and the negative things that they can potentially work on.

I’m also hoping that this will generate a bit of discussion and create a bit of a support network for those who have taken part!

If you want to get involved or want to find out more, please feel free to tweet me @albysaurus or email me alexquang1@gmail.com 🙂

Keep an eye out for #OnYourMind on twitter and instagram and stay tuned for our first post soon! 🙂

Shout out to Haaris for coming up with our hashtag!

See you all soon!

Mental Oriental

Posted on by under Anti-depressants, Anxiety, Health, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Life, Mental Health, Stigma, Taboo

So today, unfortunately, I’m off sick from work. As I’m writing this I’m lying in bed, on my phone, barely able to move. I had a night of panic attacks and being almost completely unable to sleep. You may think that something horrible happened to make me feel like this, but you’d be wrong.

This is going to be a quick post.

Yesterday was fantastic. I worked with a colleague who I’ve never worked with before who was not only good fun, but also taught me a lot about what we do. We worked with an award winning group of young people with various physical and learning disabilities to develop some project ideas and I had a fantastic time. I came home to a lovely dinner and my family. Nothing to complain about here. I went to bed pretty early and read my book and fell asleep happy within a few minutes.

Out of no where, I woke up and struggled to breath, terrified and shaking and sweating. This is the thing that is important for me to  make sure people know about. Out of no where. Depression, anxiety, in fact most mental health illnesses come out of no where. It’s incredibly tough to control these things so again, if you have someone in your life who experiences this kind of thing, please don’t dismiss them, please don’t walk on egg shells around them, just be there for them. People need different things after an episode, some prefer to be left alone, some want people right there with them. Whatever they prefer, just make sure that you let them know, that you reassure them that they’re not alone and that you’ll be there for them if they need it.

Right now, sleep deprived, aching all over and bed ridden, I think I’m just grateful for the fact that I’m alive enough to tap away on my phone to share this post.

Signing off affectionately,

The Mental Oriental.