Depression: “But you’re so happy!”

So after a long long time, I’m unfortunately back on anti-depressants. Over the last few months, my mood has dipped gradually despite my best efforts to do all the things that usually give me a boost. I’m still working on picking apart why I’m feeling like this so you’ll have to bear with me. Luckily I’m “experienced” enough that I was able to get myself to the doctors before doing anything drastic. So while I’m not thrilled that I’m back on tablets I’m glad that the doctors were so responsive.

People always seemed to be really surprised when I tell them that I suffer from anxiety and depression. The common response I get is; “Really?! You always seem so happy.”. And yeah, I always try my very hardest to be happy and if I feel rubbish then I at least pretend to be happy because sometimes, it almost tricks my brain into believing that I’m actually happy. But you’re right, it can be strange that people who seem so chipper can be secretly suffering in silence (not that I suffer in silence. I’m very open with my mental health.).

It can be really terrifying for someone to admit that they have depression and even harder to ask for help. If you know someone who’s been brave enough to open up to you about their mental health please support them. Even if all that means is supporting them to go to see the doctor. Or something as simple as checking up on them every once in a while.

I’ve been given a few days off to recover and been told to not do anything but I’m struggling. Lots of sleep and movies for me I think.

Before I finish and try to eat some good I want to share this:

image
This is the face of my depression and my experience back on tablets. Sleep deprived, puffy red panda eyes, nauseous, paranoid, extremely emotional, migraine filled, low on energy, no appetite (which has never happened before).

Its okay to ask for help, it’s okay to feel (and look) like this. I’m at a low point of an uphill struggle to get better but I’ve taken that first step (again) to admitting I need help which is half the battle.

A

Long Time No See

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on here. Right now I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve had a pretty miserable day. I’ve been much quieter at work than usual which was noticed by a few people (I’m usually well gobby). But overall in life, I’m feeling pretty good. I’m not sure what’s got me feeling so good. So many of my friends are having a tough time at the moment. So many people are suffering. There’s so much stuff going on in the world and I’m here feeling good.

Again, I don’t know why I’m feeling so positive at the moment. Work is good I guess. I’ve got lots of music in my life and have recently started hanging out with some great new people which makes life a little more exciting. I’m embracing my interests and general existence much more than I used to due to a few long deep chats with one or two people. I’m also blessed with some incredible friends who are working their hardest to change the world to make it better which fills me with hope for the future of the planet and friends . I’m in the middle of planning the next chapter of my life, applying for jobs (whilst also working my arse off to hopefully get another offer at this job) and looking at places to move out of my family home and hopefully will have somewhere new to live in the new year! I’m also going to Newcastle this weekend to see some amazing people and go to a gig for one of my favourite bands. 20151019_200745

Now I don’t mean this to be a “humble-brag”. I want this to show that celebrating your successes is an amazing thing. Even if they’re little things. Even if it’s just because you’re happy for no reason. You should never feel guilty for being happy (unless your happiness depends on making someone else miserable. Then you should feel super guilty.) you should enjoy the things that make you happy. You should be enjoying every single positive thing that goes on in your life and if you can share those moments (and create them) with your loved ones, you should just fucking go for it!

A

The Generosity of Strangers and the Power of Music.

So if we’re friends on Facebook or if you follow me on Twitter you may have noticed that I’ve been planning a gig with my friend for the Playing for Change Foundation. We ran the gig on Monday night and it was AMAZING. We gave ourselves (stupidly) only two weeks to plan it. This meant sourcing artists, a venue, negotiating terms with said venue and getting a large enough crowd to make sure that our artists weren’t singing in front of an empty room! Luckily we pulled it off. We found some incredible artists some with powerful voices to get the crowd up on their feet and some with smooth, calming tones perfect for relaxing to. I also ended up singing, partly because we needed more people and also because I love music.

It’s safe to say that I was astounded that these incredible artists were so happy to give up their Monday night (yep, Monday night gig) to perform for us. Some people I’d only met once or twice and some I’d known for a few months. Only Jade, my fellow organiser, had I known for any real length of time. But I knew two out of three of the other performers, not particularly well, but I knew them and I knew they were good people. One is a powerful activist with the voice of an angel, the other is working towards being a counsellor, with so much soul in her voice! The third and fourth, one who I’d only met a couple times and one never before (and Jade) work on a social action programme are powerhouses in work and music. All the people we had involved with the performing side of the gig were involved, in one way or another, in making the world a better place to live in, in creating a more peaceful, healthy, fair and happy society for us and our future generations and I’m so proud and so honoured to have been able to perform alongside these beautiful people.

The crowd were also pretty special. We had way more people come along than we expected. 50+ people, casual acquaintances, friends, friends of friends, complete strangers from upstairs even some of the staff from the pub (more on that later). The people who came primarily were also people working to make the world a better place. Many work in charities, some are nurses, volunteers, campaigners, activists, artists, fellow musicians and everywhere in between. Even if they weren’t working in one of the “social” sectors, the fact that they came along and supported the charity and the gig and us, means they came along to help us change the world.

20150921_215537[1]

Our wonderful Gen, absolutely killing it on stage!

Finally, a huge thank you to the venue. I can’t express to you just how generous these strangers were. We booked the venue on short notice on a night where there are few events. They provided a stage, amps, microphones, stands, stools, extra lamps, tons of extra chairs, a member of staff at our own little bar and a whole host of smiles. A few stick in my mind in particular.

Emmanuel, the bouncer for the night popped in periodically, bringing audience members and listening in. He complimented us all multiple times and I learned that he’s a saxophonist and has been playing for over 17 years.

Rosie, who was working the main bar upstairs, came down before we started and helped us set up the room. This doesn’t sound like much but we asked for the room to be changed multiple times. Sofas moved, stage put out, extra chairs put away then brought back out. She did this all with a huge beautiful smile and she even stayed for a little chat. She’s a good egg despite our indecisiveness and our very particular plans.

Maria, who was our amazing bartender for the night, wasn’t feeling great. But she still worked with another beautiful smile, paid us a heap of compliments and made sure we were all sorted and ready to have a cracking night. I left one of my cables at the venue after Monday and when I went to pick it up, she greeted me with that same infectious smile and told me how glad she was that she worked downstairs for the night. It’s a small gesture on her part but it means the world to me.

On top of their amazing team, they gave us the venue for free. So if you’re ever in the Shoreditch area and are looking for some of the best staff in town and the nicest beer garden ever, go on down to the Water Poet. You won’t regret it.

We couldn’t have achieved any of what we did without the help of amazing artists, volunteers, audience members, venue, staff and supporters from afar so to everyone who came along, thank you for your generosity!

You can still donate to PFC here.

Music is a powerful tool for change and a valuable learning tool for young people and adults alike. Help us spread the message of peace through music.

To hear more music check out my YouTube channel here where I’ll be uploading some videos from the night and follow some of our other singers below. (More to be added in due course).

Kath: @kaffwyatt (tweet her to get her singing more!)

 

Mental Health Awareness Week

So this week has been Mental Health Awareness Week and it felt like a good time for me to get back into the bloggosphere, even just for this one post. It’s been nearly two months since my last post on here and the reasons for that are various.

Life has been hectic. Lots has been going on, good and bad! And so I thought it would be a good chance to tell you all about all the things that have been going on with my mental health. So I’m going to write about the good, the bad, the achievements and the setbacks.

The Good

I’ve had lots of good things happen the last few months and I’ve been able to get a lot done. I’ve achieved a lot and am generally feeling really proud of myself. Work is going great, I’m really getting my name out there and getting s*** done!
I’ve spent the last few months trying to get my life on track and I’ve been doing my very best to push myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve been trying to do more things by myself which I’d always struggled with. For example, I went to the cinema by myself for the first time ever. It might sound stupid and it might be a bit weird but I did it! It wasn’t easy though. I had to invest a lot of time and effort into it. 
First thing I had to do was spend money. I booked the ticket online in advance, VIP seating, 3D screening of The Avengers: Age of Ultron. I also went out to get some food an hour before the screening started. 
The next thing I had to do was tell people I was doing it! Once I’d told people I was going to go, I felt like I had to go. Backing out was no longer an option! 
The last thing I had to do was compose myself! After having eaten my meal I went into the cinema and very nearly had a panic attack so I had to compose myself. I just tried to think about the mission. 
I made it through and saw the film, beat my anxiety and ended up having a really good day. Don’t get me wrong I left the cinema feeling very shaken and completely overwhelmed but once it all sunk in, I’m really proud that I made it through that day!

I’ve also done a lot of stuff on Instagram with the #cheerupchallenge. If you don’t follow me on Instagram, my #cheerupchallenge is a series of posts highlighting all the things that I do to keep my mood up. If you’d like to follow the journey just follow me on Instagram @alexquang or click the link at the top of the page in the social media section!

The Bad

My mood has been undoubtedly lower than usual however my mental health in general has been a lot better! I can’t figure out a reason why my mood is lower but there are a few contributing factors. 
There’s been lots going on with my family which has contributed to my mood dipping. Lots of my family have been having troubles. My aunt is ill and my gran took a tumble and I’ve been doing what I can to help out. 
As a result of my lowered mood and family commitments, I’ve been seeing my friends less which again has a massive impact on my mood! Hopefully I’ll be better soon, with more free time and be able to go up to see the gang in Newcastle and of course those a little closer to home! 🙂 
Unfortunately also, I’ve been able to make good on the idea for my #OnYourMind project. It’s something I’d definitely like to come back to soon but at the moment, I’m not able to manage the idea as well as I’d hoped (hence the much simpler #cheerupchallenge). If you would like to help out though and contribute/organise, any help would be appreciated. Just email me at alexquang1@gmail.com! 

Overall

All in all, it’s been a mixed month. Right now I’m feeling a bit down but my mood overall and my resilience and ability to deal with my depression and anxiety has increased massively! I’m productive, able to pull myself up a lot easier and a lot less likely to fall into a deep depression. All the hard work seems to be paying off! 
If you’re interested about mental health and have any questions, by all means drop me a line and ask away! I can’t guarantee a clear answer as the topic is very rarely clear but I’m more than happy to share my story, the things that worry me most and how I cope. 
Alternatively if you need more structured help check out the sites below, find your local mental health services and counsellors or visit your local A&E if you’re fearing for yours or someone else’s life. 
A

#CheerUpChallenge

So I wrote in my recent post that I’ve set myself a challenge to cheer up. It’s imaginatively called the #cheerupchallenge.

I’ve spent a long long time figuring out what kinds of things make me happy. It’s a brilliant combination of music, fantasy, food and friends. Have a little look see at some of my posts so far and set yourself a little challenge to keep your mood up! 🙂

I don’t want to make this post too long as it’s going to be 99% pictures chronicling my quest to get better so I hope you enjoy and please feel free to give me a follow on Instagram (@alexquang) and leave a comment/like/share! 🙂

https://instagram.com/p/z7GYPEKyA0

https://instagram.com/p/z7Sy31KyCY

https://instagram.com/p/z7dUikKyEB

https://instagram.com/p/z8QzfoqyBt

https://instagram.com/p/0BO5DPqyBB

https://instagram.com/p/0DuKYiKyG2

https://instagram.com/p/0I6t75qyPn

https://instagram.com/p/0I9EdAqyEV

https://instagram.com/p/0I_qzHqyKB

https://instagram.com/p/0LfaJvKyNV

https://instagram.com/p/0M_7lGKyOq

https://instagram.com/p/0TcYxkqyIX

https://instagram.com/p/0dWn1eKyKS

https://instagram.com/p/0gRjPaKyIE