As I’m writing this it’s 2:26am. I’ve been lying in bed since just before 10pm and sleep has eluded me once again. I had around 3 hours sleep last night. I’m meant to be getting up in under 5 hours for work.
Life has been a bit of a shit storm in 2017 which you can read about in a previous post somewhere on my blog. It feels like there have been more downs than ups. It’s hit me hard. I’m struggling to focus on anything, my depression has got infinitely worse and my anxiety is through the roof.
It’s a classic combination. Depression exhausts me physically and mentally which makes my anxiety worse. My anxiety then makes me too anxious to sleep and so I get more tired and my depression gets worse. My insomnia has reached a point where I can’t sleep at any time of the day.
Usually if I’m a bit knackered I can nap any time any where. Recently, even if I’m in my comfy beanbag with a duvet on listening to asmr keyboard sounds I can’t nap for shit. At night in bed I’m constantly tossing, turning and thinking. And that’s the problem. I can’t stop thinking. My brain is on overdrive at the moment and it’s absolutely crushing me. I’m sure there’ll be people telling me I should switch off my phone, stop writing this post and just get away from the screen but I did that for hours to no avail.
Insomnia for me is one of those things where I know the causes but even when I put things in place to prevent them or solve them it just doesn’t seem to work. I’ve even exhausted myself to the point I’ve cancelled all of my social plans this week.
One of the things that worries me the most is my job. They’re supportive for sure. But in my head all I’m thinking is that they’re going to be angry at me for not coming in, that they’re talking about me behind my back when I’m not in and that I’m taking the mick. I’m constantly worrying about the people I may be letting down and the things I feel like I should be doing.
But what should I be doing? Part of my brain tells me “stop. Rest. Recover”. The other, louder part of my brain just keeps telling me “ohhhhh man. You done fucked up this time. Work is going to crucify you. They’re going to be so mad. You better get your shit together. Also you suck at life.”
I have to constantly remind myself it’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to be ill. It’s okay to feel like shit and to be completely and utterly broken. One day, some time soon (hopefully), I’ll be strong enough, well enough to fix myself. And for those of you going through the same things, you will be too.