So over the last few days I’ve not really been able to do… well, anything.

On Tuesday evening, on the way home, I felt very very faint, started sweating, hyperventilating and shaking quite violently. This was, you guessed it, the beginnings of a panic attack.

By the time the train pulled into my station I’d had to call my mum to come pick me up from the station. When I got into the car I burst into tears (I know right, a guy crying. /s) and didn’t stop for a full five hours. After that, I passed out. I didn’t wake up until the morning. I’ve had loads of panic attacks over the years but this was a panic attack followed by a physical and mental breakdown and it was the worst I’ve ever had.

Over the years I’ve heard lots of people talk about how mental illness is all in your head. I beg to differ. So the main thing in this post is going to be a list of all the things I experienced over the last few days. Here we go:

• Constant muscle pain

• Constant joint pain

• Extremely sensitive eyes and ears

• Extremely low energy

• Inability to walk, talk or even lift my arms

• Complete loss of appetite and the feeling of being sick whenever eating

• Extreme pain when swallowing

• Swollen eyes

• Blocked nose

• Hot and cold flushes

• Migraines

• Erratic sleep patterns

• So SO sweaty…

These are just some of the ones I want to list today. The most crushing thing that I’ve had to do over the last few days though, is cancel plans with some wonderful people who I’ve not seen in ages.

Today has been the first day I’ve been able to walk around the house with no support or leaning on things. It’s also the first time in a few days I’ve been able to open the blinds, listen to music, sing (it was about four bars of humming). I’ve yet been able to leave the house though.

So to anyone who thinks that mental illness is all in your head and doesn’t actually affect your body at all, you’re so so wrong.

A

P.S. Thank you to my mother who picked me up, looked after me, literally supported me to get to the doctors, shopped for me and cooked for me.

Also a huge thank you to all my friends who sent me get well soon messages and also those who I had to cancel on for understanding but a special thank you to Kate (and her boyfriend Carlos) who sent me a box of nerdy things. 

Also also, when you’re barely able to move and spend almost 24 hours a day in your room with no windows open, blinds closed and lights off, your room ends up smelling quite bad…