As you may well have noticed, I’ve not been on for over a month! I’ve not been 100% and have been really struggling to focus on anything in particular. However, I’m back now with a “no pain no gain” attitude and twice the amount of Fluoxetine in my system.
I want to start off by saying thank you to all the people who have been getting in touch with me over the past month and sharing their stories with me. That’s exactly why I write about my experiences. I want people to be able to talk about their anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses openly, confidently and proudly. It’s a big step to take, and though it’s a big part of your life it doesn’t define you. Please continue to encourage others to talk about their mental health and please get in touch with me if you want to talk about yours. You’re never alone and I don’t want you to ever feel like you are.
While I’ve not been posting very regularly, I have still been talking about my depression and anxiety pretty openly. So over the next few days/weeks I’ll be covering various topics of discussion that I’ve been over.
I’ve spoken to a couple people about this over the last month and have had some very frank discussions about depression and dating. I’ve got some great people around me who have spoken with me very tactfully about it all. I’m obviously single and have been for quite a long time now and I’ve been quite down about being single for a while. Why? Who knows, maybe it’s because I feel like I should be in a relationship because so many of my peers are in them. Maybe it’s because I’m “getting on a bit” and am “running out of time”. Maybe I just want someone to validate me. It could be one, none or all of the above!
But really? Is this at all productive? Answer: no.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t still think about all of this stuff. I do and it’s still affecting me BUT I’m working my butt off to change the way I think. Why should I be in a relationship just because other people are? Why should I be in a relationship just because I’m getting older? (I’m 24. That’s not even close to being old.). And most of all, why should I be in a relationship so that someone can validate me?! I shouldn’t.
One of my very wise friends said to me:
“Are you sure you’re ready for a babe? You haven’t even found your inner-babe yet.”
She’s totally, 100% right. I’ve not found my inner-babe yet. I haven’t even got to the point where I’m happy with who I am, being in a relationship isn’t necessarily going to fix that.
I’m not saying I’m going to stop dating and seeing people, but my main focus has to be me first. A big part of that is pushing myself to talk about my good points and speaking to people that I might actually want to date rather than assuming they wouldn’t be interested. Low self-esteem is tough to overcome but it is possible with hard work, reflection and appreciation.
I know I’m not the only person who has this problem. Social anxiety is a fucking nightmare already without throwing depression in the mix but they go hand in hand. So to conclude, you’re absolutely brilliant as you are. We aren’t perfect, but our flaws make us interesting too, they make us unique.
I have a lot of love to give, as I’m sure all of you do too (apart from you people with your frozen hearts and dark, evil souls of hatred) so why not point that love inwards and learn to appreciate yourself a little more?